I was back in beautiful downtown Lexington this weekend for the 4th of July parade, as our finest marched past the glory that is Newberry Canyon (soon to be Thunderlawn).
Lt. Dan apparently went by in his 4-wheeler first (I missed him), throwing little nuggets of coal to the children on the sidewalk. Badass Kathy Stein and Kelly Flood walked with the big Fayette Co. Democrats contingent (Ernesto's a judge now, so I guess he can't walk with them these days). There were no Mongiardo signs in their group or at the Fayette Co. Dems table, which is interesting. Everybody I talked to was fully on the Conway boat, as well. But what would you expect from those awful Central Kentucky elitists, right?
There were two different Teabag groups in the parade, the first one small with their "Don't Tread on Me" flags. The second group had a float with 2 giant missiles and "9/12 Project" written on them. Srsly. Apparently, one of their "core values" is militarism, which I'm sure would warm Glenn Beck's heart. I'm also pretty sure that missiles require tax dollars, unless they were promoting missile toting militias, which I suppose is a possibility.
Of note is that Mayor Jim Newberry was not in the parade this year (neither I or anybody else I talked to saw him). I guess after the severe heckling he got last year, he's a little gun shy when it comes to mixing with the dirty rabble. (Now being told he was in the parade early. Sorry I missed you Jim, I didn't get to say hi!)
After the parade, a couple friends of mine told me that the Teabaggers were having a Teabag protest in front of the taxpayer built courthouse, next to the taxpayer funded fountain. I decided to pay them a visit, of course, because I can't resist good comedy.
About 150 or so white people were gathered there waiting for the speakers to start. A six year old girl was holding a sign that read "Don't tax me bro", another signal that Obama's tyranny against children has already begun, and will not be tolerated by the Toddlers of America. One sign had a gravestone that read "R.I.P. America: July 4th 1776 - Nov. 4th 2008". I think they probably forgot to put "White" in front of America, but hey, point taken.
I really wasn't sure if I was going to make it 5 minutes through this debacle without being dragged out and, well, my instincts were pretty spot on.
One of the first speakers said that even though public prayer was now outlawed in Obama's America, they were going to pray to Jesus now. After a few verses, something supernatural (divine, perhaps?) grabbed a hold of my body and flung my hands in the air. A sound was spontaneously squeezed out of my lungs for about 5 seconds, while my tongue was touched by a mystical (divine?) teabag, of sorts. I was once a skeptic, but I have no doubt that The Lord spoke through me in tongues during this holy 5 seconds.
Sure, go ahead and call me an asshole for this, but you'll only be calling God an asshole. You don't think God's an asshole, do you?
About 10 seconds after my divine experience, an overweight, angry looking man came charging at me, screaming. He was not the welcome wagon. I tried to explain my religous experience, but he wasn't having it. I asked him if he was Muslim like Obama, and that didn't seem to calm him down. I then told him that I was going to have to see his birth certificate, as he kind of gave me that kind of vibe. He didn't like that either, and went rushing to the back of the stage to talk to somebody that looked familiar, possibly conservative blogger/Teabager David Adams. He started angrily pointing at me as he talked to him, as Adams basically gave a "who fucking cares" look to him.
I waved at Adams, and he came over to talk to me. We proceeded to have a fascinating 10 minute conversation, as I asked him about global warming, Frank Simon, Obama's birth certificate, and The Gays. With the exception of global warming, every topic ended with me saying, "wow, you better not tell anyone here that" and Adams replying "yea, you're right". Adams was definitely a good sport, though.
At this time, I saw the previously mentioned angry man pointing at me from behind the tape beyond the stage, next to 2 of Lexington finest. Adams shook his head and sighed, and said he'd come over there with me and make sure they didn't haul me off to jail.
The two cops were told that I was screaming "obscenities", which I noted was blasphemy since I was pretty sure that God would speaking through me, and God don't swear. Or maybe He does, and the angry guy was able to decipher the sounds. The coppers weren't really amused either. After a few more minutes of smartass, I decided that being under the custody of Jim Newberry probably wouldn't turn out well, so I agreed not to return to the front of their Teabag Party.
After the cops dejectedly rode their bikes away, a few of the teabaggers came up to talk to me. To my surprise, they were supportive of me, saying that the "government jack-booted thugs" were harrassing me. "Figures the black cops would try to mess with people here, huh?"
Right. After a few more minutes of discussing our outrage at the Muslim Communist born in Kenya, I decided to split before the jig was up. I listened to the rest from a bar across the street, as the rest of the speakers screamed endlessly about the "tyranny" of Obama- "What's happening today is the very definition of tyranny!"
Towards the end of the rally, rain started falling. I was sitting at a table on the patio between Molly's and The Bar, watching as all of the Teabaggers hustled out of the rain and into The Bar. Seeing all of those Teabaggers take refuge in a gay bar was perhaps the highlight of my day. Because once you start Teabagging, it must be really hard to stop.
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